I am free in a way I’ve never known before. Everything that led me here has been magnificent. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I don’t do things in a easy way. I do them in my way. I don’t learn through effortless energy or through the mistakes of others. I learn through struggle, falling down and picking myself up. Until recently this was my genetic makeup. Until just a while ago. See, I finally got tired of making things so difficult. It took a severe case of amnesia, ending up in the hospital and even a near-death experience to stop the insanity.
My ego will never be erased completely but it has diminished greatly. It will never ever be gone. There are temporary moments of bliss without the ego chit chatting away that I wish would last forever. But, there are greater moments now than before this small death in which there is little fear, if any at all. I still have a million imperfections and quite a few that I’m sure annoy those around me. I am human. I am compassionate, silly, kind, oblivious, loving, sympathetic, courageous, spontaneous but I am still human with many flaws. But, they are MY flaws and I don’t feel the necessity to apologize like I used to on a daily basis for being me. I don’t go around trying to instill my ideas onto others, unless they ask what I think. And as always I try to tell them what I think by lovingly saying, “I believe….I think….this is only my opinion.” I don’t have the answers. Nowadays I am guided more by intuition than the analytical mind. This is a first in all of my life.
A small death has taken place inside of me. I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. The death of ego and all that it entails has also allowed me to surrender to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my choices of life. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I can see the profound expansion of lessons through their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of self. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!
I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama.
This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality.
“Death is not like going to sleep, it’s more like waking up from a dream and realizing the person you were in the dream wasn’t you, the problems you had in the dream weren’t your problems and waking up from the dream to this world is like going back to sleep again and waking up in a dream world, forgetting who we are again and getting lost in the dream character, the character who we think we are and who has problems. Waking up in a dream and realizing we are not the dream character but the dreamer is enlightenment.” ~ Emmanuel Diogu
A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours meditating on love. I began sending love to my closest family members, then friends, then strangers, then the world…moving from continent to continent. I felt my heart expand. Many times I sobbed while my heart ached with a thousand heart beats. As I departed several places where I know there are wars, death and mass destruction I found myself gasping for air: breathing deeper and exhaling every negative emotion attached to those places. I loved profoundly without being able to verbalize it, even now. I was cradled by God in a way that touched the core of all human connection. I received a clear message that Love is Letting Oneness Vibrationally Expand. This is what I was doing…expanding through vibrations. Death came and went many times during those moments. I don’t know where the hours went. Somewhere during my travels I lost space and time. It happens a lot lately. I am able to move through the veils of illusion and not be rushed.
My mini death moments are happening closer together. I do question a lot of things. That’s part of my newness. I was never one to question purpose and the unexplained notions of the world. I marvel at the simplest acts, and cherish the lessons that become our stories. I love these stories more than anything especially when they from others. So, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. Thank you for allowing my moments here and partaking on my journey. I love you! I love that we might not know one another but we are deeply connected by the cord of humanity. Love and light to you!
About the Author: Millie A. Mestril
After raising six children, working in the corporate world, and being part of a relationship for eighteen years, I found that happiness was not consistent in my world. I left the business world, ended a relationship that was deteriorating and headed to the mountains. My best friend and I bought a small motel in the middle of gorgeous country and began the greatest journey. What started as a visit to Asheville in May of 2010 became a permanent home for us. Now with only one teenager at home, I am able to be part of a wonderful world of meeting people from all walks of life. We’ve transformed an old gem of a place into a sweet and quaint oasis for others to find peace. To those looking into our lives it seems we saved Peaceful Quest Retreats, but the reality is that this place saved us. Every day brings joy, inspiration and a zest for life I never knew existed. The lessons have not always been easy but the ride has been scenic and delightful. I can’t imagine ever returning to a life that was not authentic to my spirit. ~ Millie A. Mestril
Please feel free to visit our website at www.peacefulquestretreats.com . I also have a personal blog at: www.momentswithmillie.wordpress.com
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