For years I jokingly called myself “excuSusan”. I had every logical excuse to determine the source of my suffering, while failing to see that it was always my choice to live under that veil. When I experienced conflict, I immediately began looking externally for an explanation to logically assess my distress. This explanation became my excuse and left me feeling powerless. While looking externally, I missed the opportunity to find the source of my conflict. I blamed multiple elements that I believed to have conspired against me, and took no responsibility in how I viewed the struggle.
My excuses solved nothing and voided lessons to be learned, and I was destined to continue meeting these conflicts. Now I felt life was always giving me the same problems, and I lived as a victim to my perspective. I stared in the mirror and thought, “I’m miserable because I’m out of shape… if only I didn’t have a job that forced me to sit in front of a computer all day, then I’d be in shape… if only I had time to work out at the gym, then I’d be in shape… If only I didn’t get injured, then I’d be in shape… If only healthy food wasn’t so costly, then I’d be in shape… If only I had time to cook healthier meals, then I’d be in shape… If only I had better genes, then I’d be in shape” My avoidance to face myself as the source of my conflicts, was the source of my suffering. Even this statement is an excuse: “I’m miserable because I’m out of shape”. When I reached a stated expectation that I thought would bring happiness, I still noticed that I was miserable and continued looking externally to find joy. As long as I believe joy is conditional, the conditions of my environment will never produce joy. By choosing to remove the conditions from my imprinted beliefs and rise above the lower vibrations of my excuses, I felt unconditional joy.
I began to comprehend that the source of all my suffering was the way I viewed my role in the conflict. These excuses imprinted a pattern in my thinking to explain why I failed to overcome them. When an excuse is repeated, it becomes the reason. The source of the problem has nothing to do with the excuses I used to label my failures. They may compose aspects of the problem, but the source of my struggle was that I chose to be a victim to my excuses, and placed conditions on my happiness. Once I decided that I my happiness is unconditional, I exchanged my excuses for possibilities.
About the Author: Susan Clark
I am an administrative assistant in a University setting. I used to struggled with my occupation as a form of my identity, but I know that I am here for a season and reason, and these experiences are just as validating as any other job. I recently attained level 1 Reiki certification and look forward to continue studying energy healing. I have always looked to writing as a way to allow energy to flow. When I experienced many years of debilitating depression, writing was the resource that allowed my thoughts and emotions to form creative expression. Sometimes what I wrote was very dark, but by having these words out of my head I no longer felt the urge to keep replaying these thoughts like a broken record. Eventually time passed and I would read what was written as an observer, no longer attached to the heavy emotions. One day I decided I didn’t need this record of broken feelings because I felt no ownership to them, and deleted the entire blog. I started a new blog that is representative of the stage in my growth on this journey: thesfck.tumblr.com sfckwords.wordpress.com I discovered I enjoy writing poetry very recently, and found a new way to express my thoughts that come from the heart.