A Meditation for Miscarriage

I had planned to make it social-media official and announce our pregnancy in week thirteen when we finally had our ultrasound and saw that our babies were healthy.  Unfortunately, just two days before the appointment I started bleeding and called my midwife for help.  The ultrasound that afternoon showed that neither of our twins’ hearts were beating and we had to make plans to help them on their way.

We were devastated and confused.  Both of us shocked that twins were even a possibility and saddened we would never meet them.  I was numb and angry and don’t remember most of that night.

My partner and I have a regular gratitude and meditation practice and had started hypnobirth meditations weeks before.  We had been envisioning a powerful and peaceful labor.  We had done prenatal yoga together nightly getting ready for the big day.  Our connection was growing deeper each day in plans and aspirations.

I should note that our collective manifestation powers are very strong.  Four years ago we were both jobless and penniless living in a foreclosed on house hoping the bank wouldn’t kick us out before we found work.  We spent nights eating my food assistance supported meals by the fireplace dreaming of a life where we both had secure income, a nice house, and comfort.  We married earlier this year and celebrated the life we have built- exactly as we envisioned.

And yet the baby we have been envisioning isn’t coming right this time.  There is an empty space where they were.  We are left with intense sadness.

We spent the next day preparing ourselves for a great loss.  We soaked in a nearby spa and got massages.  We met my doctor and picked up a prescription.  We stocked the fridge with our favorite comfort foods.  We were as ready as we could be.  And we were sad.

In our partnership we read bedtime stories (I should say, in truth, Rae reads and I fall asleep) and have recently read a series or books on happiness and joy in life.  These have been helpful in my work as a therapist time and time again helping people find greater satisfaction and peace.  In all my studies of happiness, loss, depression, and resilience one theme rings true: gratitude.  Gratitude will help find hope and possibility in darkness.

So in the darkness, by our campfire, the night before I took medicine that would make my body let go of our twins, we practiced gratitude.  My partner and I each placed a hand on my belly and spoke sweetly to the babies.  We thanked each of them and honored our growth during our time with them.  And then we said goodbye.

The days since have been challenging both physically and emotionally.  Giving birth to them was the most depleting experience of my life.  I saw bags under Rae’s beautiful eyes for the first time since I’ve known him.  When a good friend asked me how I was, I answered “sadness is coming out my pores.”

I know more intense moments of grief will come.  But in the moments of real darkness, this meditation has continued to help me find peace.  I know I am far from alone in this experience as nearly 1/4 of all pregnancies end with miscarriage, in the days after the miscarriage many women reached out to me to share their stories.  However, in my most immediate moments of loss I found it extremely difficult to find information to comfort me.  I offer our meditation now with the hope that others will find peace through gratitude too.

Thank you babies for joining us on this journey into parenthood

Thank you for giving us so much hope joy and excitement

I am so deeply glad you could be with us for the last thirteen weeks

In that short time you helped us get clearer about the kind of parents we want to be and to become more sure of ourselves as soon-to-be parents

Thank you for bringing clarity and confidence

Thank you for leading us to a medical birth team to support our next pregnancy

You showed us what a first trimester can be and how to support each other even better

You helped us gather information and learn so much about infants, birth, and pregnancy

Because of you we have plenty of supplies for the next baby, your sibling

Thank you for all our new awareness

Knowing you were in there helped us grow as a couple in many important ways

Thank you for giving us so many milestones to celebrate with our community

I am so sorry you are not the babies we will hold

I am so very sorry this is the end of our time together

Thank you for making room for our next baby

We honor your journey onward

Photo Credit:  www.pickthebrain.com

About the Author:

Gina Senarighi, MA, MS, BCC, CMCC, is a relationship coach, a couples counselor, positive psychology blogger, and nonviolent communication trainer who inspires couples to be even stronger together. Through her Portland, OR–based company, Amplify Happiness Now, she guides people to bring greater fulfillment into their workplaces and homes. She also co-founded a women’s health clinic, and a small business helping coach new entrepreneurs into greater success.  In her free time she gardens, listens to NPR, practices Bikram, and goes on long walks with her sweetheart. http://www.gmsenarighi.com/ , or contact her at (971) 302-8286.